An Ordinary Life

I don't think I would have believed them. I KNOW I wouldn't have wanted to, nor would I have ever wished for it to be this way. There have been several times I "thought" I had my path mapped out, and if I did my part toward the goals I set, however simple, I'd get there and all would be well. As my current boss says nearly every day, "That's what you get for thinking." So, here I am at nearly 56, at what is generally thought to be a time of starting down the back side of "the hill" and I have to figure out how to map out and navigate yet another new path, starting from scratch, how to be something, or someone else. . . again. There were things I was excited about experiencing at this stage of my life, that either are no longer an option, or simply aren't turning out anything even close to what I had hoped. That would be workable if I had a clue how to fix that, or even could, but I'm not sure that's possible either and it...

One year ago today, I said goodbye to my best friend, the love of my life, the person who had the power to make me laugh a full on belly laugh, cry crocodile tears or so angry I could spit nails. The person who no matter what was going on around us, or how intense the situation was, I could be completely confident had my back and even if I was wrong, would take my side, then set me straight in private if need be.  Even with all of the challenges he faced in life, he ALWAYS made me feel like I could do anything and usually would get me started on the road to getting there. I loved him and had NO DOUBT he loved me. I’ve heard time heals all wounds. I’m not sure this one will actually heal because there isn’t a day, most days an hour or even minute I don’t still think about him. If I’m watching TV and hear a creak in my old house, and even if I don’t hear it, I still look up expecting to see him taking a break on his way back from the bedroom, leaning on the kitchen island, or sitt...

It isn't so much that I haven't come to terms with my current "status" in life. I have. . . At least I think I have. I mean I've said things like, "I'm the surviving spouse." and "My husband has passed away." and other people have called me the "W" word and it hasn't really phased me. . . much. I've even had to put that as my status on a few forms. But I really hadn't said it out loud. But this week I got a phone call and the caller asked to speak to Ed. That may seem unusual, but we had started giving out my number for his business calls because he often didn't have his hearing aids in and missed important calls. It caught me off guard a bit because, while it happened frequently right after he passed, it had tapered off and I hadn't had any for about a month. "Hello, this is _______ Ambulance, Company, may I speak with Edmond please? We're calling to make sure he was happy with the service ...

My son asked if we could coordinate our calendars this morning. By that he means he wants to be sure I have correctly noted HIS work schedule on MY calendar. His schedule is from Monday to Sundayso when we got to next Sunday's hours, he noticed my annual reminder of (what would have been) Edmond's and my anniversary next Monday (9/18) and he wrapped his arms around me and said, "I'm so sorry Mom." I've been thinking about how I'll observe the day this year and how to, if possible, make it something other than completely teary, but mostly I realized that this will be the real 'kick-off' of a year of "Firsts" that I/we will have to live through without my Edmond.My Pop's birthday is 9/17 and Mom is serving cake and coffee to his friends we lovingly refer to as "The Good Ole Boys" at Cascade Christian Church on the 18th in the morning. I'm invited to that and if I'm feeling up to it I may join in. But I'm leaning t...