I Miss You as Much Today as I Did the Day God Took You Home
One year ago today, I said goodbye to my best friend, the love of my life, the person who had the power to make me laugh a full on belly laugh, cry crocodile tears or so angry I could spit nails. The person who no matter what was going on around us, or how intense the situation was, I could be completely confident had my back and even if I was wrong, would take my side, then set me straight in private if need be.
Even with all of the challenges he faced in life, he ALWAYS made me feel like I could do anything and usually would get me started on the road to getting there. I loved him and had NO DOUBT he loved me.
I’ve heard time heals all wounds. I’m not sure this one will actually heal because there isn’t a day, most days an hour or even minute I don’t still think about him. If I’m watching TV and hear a creak in my old house, and even if I don’t hear it, I still look up expecting to see him taking a break on his way back from the bedroom, leaning on the kitchen island, or sitting at his desk “shopping” for something to add to one of his collections.
But he’s not here anymore and I miss him so much. The only thing that has made this bearable, is to know his battles are over. As horrific as that last week was, it was only a week. He had been through so much and was facing some truly awful times that he, and we won’t have to go through now. He’s healed. That’s what I prayed for then. It wasn’t what my heart really wanted, but it IS what I prayed for and he’s healed, and whole and no more battles. But selfishly, I miss him and I would have held that sword and shield and fought those battles with or for him for as long as it took had things turned out differently and I had been allowed to keep him with me.
I wasn’t sure how today would go for me. My emotions have been ramping up for a few weeks now, getting increasingly more unpredictable. So each time someone asked what I would do for the holiday, I would simply answer I was going to play it by ear and may not decide anything until I woke up in the morning.
That is pretty much what I did. I did push myself to get out the door and go watch the local parade in Cascade. It hasn’t changed a lot from when I was a kid and rode my bike in it with every other kid in Cascade. My brother is still riding in the parade, though his mode of transportation has shifted from a crepe paper decorated bike to a most awesome antique fire truck these days. Then I visited with Mom and Pops and after that with Ben and Katie for a bit. The point is, I haven’t spent my day in a puddle of tears despite not being able to focus on much of anything other than what day it is. . . at least for me.
I am so blessed to have an amazing support system. So many have checked on me from time to time to see if I’m hanging in there or need anything or just want to chat. I’ve gotten several messages and a couple of cards from folks to let me know I’m thought of. And my family, WOW! God gave me such a blessing with them. And I’m so grateful for each and every one of you.
Oh, I’ve gotten teary several times, and I’m sure I’ll continue to do that for who knows how long, but I’m doing my best to focus on my Edmond with his wings and not those chains that were broken a year ago today.
Even with all of the challenges he faced in life, he ALWAYS made me feel like I could do anything and usually would get me started on the road to getting there. I loved him and had NO DOUBT he loved me.
I’ve heard time heals all wounds. I’m not sure this one will actually heal because there isn’t a day, most days an hour or even minute I don’t still think about him. If I’m watching TV and hear a creak in my old house, and even if I don’t hear it, I still look up expecting to see him taking a break on his way back from the bedroom, leaning on the kitchen island, or sitting at his desk “shopping” for something to add to one of his collections.
But he’s not here anymore and I miss him so much. The only thing that has made this bearable, is to know his battles are over. As horrific as that last week was, it was only a week. He had been through so much and was facing some truly awful times that he, and we won’t have to go through now. He’s healed. That’s what I prayed for then. It wasn’t what my heart really wanted, but it IS what I prayed for and he’s healed, and whole and no more battles. But selfishly, I miss him and I would have held that sword and shield and fought those battles with or for him for as long as it took had things turned out differently and I had been allowed to keep him with me.
I wasn’t sure how today would go for me. My emotions have been ramping up for a few weeks now, getting increasingly more unpredictable. So each time someone asked what I would do for the holiday, I would simply answer I was going to play it by ear and may not decide anything until I woke up in the morning.
That is pretty much what I did. I did push myself to get out the door and go watch the local parade in Cascade. It hasn’t changed a lot from when I was a kid and rode my bike in it with every other kid in Cascade. My brother is still riding in the parade, though his mode of transportation has shifted from a crepe paper decorated bike to a most awesome antique fire truck these days. Then I visited with Mom and Pops and after that with Ben and Katie for a bit. The point is, I haven’t spent my day in a puddle of tears despite not being able to focus on much of anything other than what day it is. . . at least for me.
I am so blessed to have an amazing support system. So many have checked on me from time to time to see if I’m hanging in there or need anything or just want to chat. I’ve gotten several messages and a couple of cards from folks to let me know I’m thought of. And my family, WOW! God gave me such a blessing with them. And I’m so grateful for each and every one of you.
Oh, I’ve gotten teary several times, and I’m sure I’ll continue to do that for who knows how long, but I’m doing my best to focus on my Edmond with his wings and not those chains that were broken a year ago today.
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| When we first met (in person) November 1996 at Walt Disney World |
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| We became officially "US" September 18, 1999 |
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| The wonderful day Ben and Katie got married March 3, 2017 and one of our last photos together |
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