I Used the "W" Word to Refer to Myself This Week. . .

It isn't so much that I haven't come to terms with my current "status" in life. I have. . . At least I think I have.

I mean I've said things like, "I'm the surviving spouse." and "My husband has passed away." and other people have called me the "W" word and it hasn't really phased me. . . much. I've even had to put that as my status on a few forms. But I really hadn't said it out loud.

But this week I got a phone call and the caller asked to speak to Ed. That may seem unusual, but we had started giving out my number for his business calls because he often didn't have his hearing aids in and missed important calls. It caught me off guard a bit because, while it happened frequently right after he passed, it had tapered off and I hadn't had any for about a month.

"Hello, this is _______ Ambulance, Company, may I speak with Edmond please? We're calling to make sure he was happy with the service we provided on June 28th."

I hesitated a bit too long I guess, because she asked if I was still there. And then I said it. "Um, Edmond passed away from that fall. I'm his, um, I'm his WIDOW." No, I didn't yell it, or even raise my voice a little. In fact, to her it was probably pretty quiet. 

But in my head (and heart) it was a scream.


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