If Someone Had Told Me This is How My Life Was Going to be. . .
I don't think I would have believed them. I KNOW I wouldn't have wanted to, nor would I have ever wished for it to be this way.
There have been several times I "thought" I had my path mapped out, and if I did my part toward the goals I set, however simple, I'd get there and all would be well. As my current boss says nearly every day, "That's what you get for thinking."
So, here I am at nearly 56, at what is generally thought to be a time of starting down the back side of "the hill" and I have to figure out how to map out and navigate yet another new path, starting from scratch, how to be something, or someone else. . . again.
There were things I was excited about experiencing at this stage of my life, that either are no longer an option, or simply aren't turning out anything even close to what I had hoped. That would be workable if I had a clue how to fix that, or even could, but I'm not sure that's possible either and it's disappointing at best, heartbreaking even in some cases. What does one do with that?
Where do you start when you no longer have your 'whole life in front of you' and only have 'what's left of your life'? Most might answer, 'At the beginning." But I'm NOT at the beginning. I'm a long way from there.
I'll keep plugging along, because, well, what choice do I have really? But some, even most days it takes a fair amount of my energy just to get up and go to work and get through that day. Let's not even talk about the mountain of tasks waiting for, and staring me in the face when I get back home. I'm disappointed in what my life has become, overwhelmed both by what I can and can't change, more than a little lost, lonely and so, so tired.
There have been several times I "thought" I had my path mapped out, and if I did my part toward the goals I set, however simple, I'd get there and all would be well. As my current boss says nearly every day, "That's what you get for thinking."
So, here I am at nearly 56, at what is generally thought to be a time of starting down the back side of "the hill" and I have to figure out how to map out and navigate yet another new path, starting from scratch, how to be something, or someone else. . . again.
There were things I was excited about experiencing at this stage of my life, that either are no longer an option, or simply aren't turning out anything even close to what I had hoped. That would be workable if I had a clue how to fix that, or even could, but I'm not sure that's possible either and it's disappointing at best, heartbreaking even in some cases. What does one do with that?
Where do you start when you no longer have your 'whole life in front of you' and only have 'what's left of your life'? Most might answer, 'At the beginning." But I'm NOT at the beginning. I'm a long way from there.
I'll keep plugging along, because, well, what choice do I have really? But some, even most days it takes a fair amount of my energy just to get up and go to work and get through that day. Let's not even talk about the mountain of tasks waiting for, and staring me in the face when I get back home. I'm disappointed in what my life has become, overwhelmed both by what I can and can't change, more than a little lost, lonely and so, so tired.
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