There are A Lot of "Firsts" Coming Up

My son asked if we could coordinate our calendars this morning. By that he means he wants to be sure I have correctly noted HIS work schedule on MY calendar. His schedule is from Monday to Sundayso when we got to next Sunday's hours, he noticed my annual reminder of (what would have been) Edmond's and my anniversary next Monday (9/18) and he wrapped his arms around me and said, "I'm so sorry Mom." I've been thinking about how I'll observe the day this year and how to, if possible, make it something other than completely teary, but mostly I realized that this will be the real 'kick-off' of a year of "Firsts" that I/we will have to live through without my Edmond.My Pop's birthday is 9/17 and Mom is serving cake and coffee to his friends we lovingly refer to as "The Good Ole Boys" at Cascade Christian Church on the 18th in the morning. I'm invited to that and if I'm feeling up to it I may join in. But I'm leaning toward making my first trip to Fort Custer National Cemetery to visit his resting place. I've had several offers from folks to 'ride along' so I 'don't have to go alone' and while I appreciate that and their concern, I'm not sure how much company I really want for this first visit, especially with it being our anniversary. Because I'm not sure how I will feel once I'm there, or what my reaction to actually seeing his grave will be, that wasn't part of the military ceremony so I've not seen it yet. I might want to make this first time just us. Well, me. I know he's not really there. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to telling people how I feel about things, but letting others, even family see, or experience me if I get upset is something I'm not comfortable with, or good at sharing.

My son asked if we could coordinate our calendars this morning. By that he means he wants to be sure I have correctly noted HIS work schedule on MY calendar. His schedule is from Monday to Sunday so when we got to next Sunday's hours, he noticed my annual reminder of (what would have been) Edmond's and my anniversary next Monday (9/18) and he wrapped his arms around me and said, "I'm so sorry Mom." I've been thinking about how I'll observe the day this year and how to, if possible, make it something other than completely teary, but mostly I realized that this will be the real 'kick-off' of a year of "Firsts" that I/we will have to live through without my Edmond.
My Pop's birthday is 9/17 and Mom is serving cake and coffee to his friends we lovingly refer to as "The Good Ole Boys" at Cascade Christian Church on the 18th in the morning. I'm invited to that and if I'm feeling up to it I may join in. But I'm leaning toward making my first trip to Fort Custer National Cemetery to visit his resting place. I've had several offers from folks to 'ride along' so I 'don't have to go alone' and while I appreciate that and their concern, I'm not sure how much company I really want for this first visit, especially with it being our anniversary. Because I'm not sure how I will feel once I'm there, or what my reaction to actually seeing his grave will be, that wasn't part of the military ceremony so I've not seen it yet. I might want to make this first time just us. Well, me. I know he's not really there. I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to telling people how I feel about things, but letting others, even family see, or experience me if I get upset is something I'm not comfortable with, or good at sharing.
That said, I also don't want to exclude them if they feel the need to go "visit". Though there is nothing stopping them if they want to go sometime without me either. I guess we'll have to see how I feel on Monday and let things happen as they happen. It's kind of an odd place to be I think and one there really is no instruction manual for. What does "Miss Manners" or Emily Post have to say in regard to who gets to go visit a grave for the first time after a passing?  I actually "googled" it and there isn't much for anything AFTER the funeral, so apparently we just make it up as we go along.

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