Here Come the Waterworks. . .

I had not really allowed myself to "fall apart" over the events in my life recently. A few tears and a lot of involuntary heavy sighs, but that's about it. Too much had to (and still has to) be done to indulge myself that way. Well, my mail yesterday changed all that. I'd not been "counting on" a positive outcome from my claim to the VA but I had been hoping for it and really did think my chances were good. Nope. The letter came yesterday. Denied. And everything crashed.
 
Then this is the Bible verse of the day in my email this morning:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Matthew 11:28 NIV
 
I believe I've been "coming to Him" all through this. or I wouldn't have been able to hold it together. In fact I believe that while I've always been firm in my faith, I've actually been stronger in that aspect of my life than I'd been in a long time. It had been a conscious effort to strengthen it even prior to Ed passing away. And I know from past events I've gotten through that it can take time, sometimes a LOT of time to understand the "Why" of things, but there always is a "Why". Not that the why of things should be necessary to know and understand. It just makes it easier, as a human to understand and deal with tough times I think so we look for it and get frustrated when we can't find it. I guess that's the part of "Let Go and Let God" that I struggle with. Am I really "letting go" if I have a need to understand "why?"
 
I had told myself I'd allow last night to self-indulgent and that this morning it would be back at the business of "what's next" but while I did get a little sleep last night, I think because I was just worn out, I'm finding that despite my best efforts to get back at it (job hunt, household tasks that are way overdue etc.) The tears just keep coming. They ebb and flow but just about the time I think, "Okay, I'm done with this." my eyes start leaking all over again.
 
Does a promise count if you make that promise to someone who is unconscious at the time and you don't know if they even heard you? When I made it, I was terrified of losing him, but more scared of the suffering he would have to face, even more than he had been if I got to keep him, if "HE" was even still in there after all the seizures, and I believed it. I've always ended up "okay" even when things looked pretty bleak so I felt confident making the promise, in hopes of him hearing and knowing that it was okay to say "enough" and go "home". I'm just not as confident in my ability to make that happen at the moment. Even though I've been so very blessed by the help of my family. My parents have been unbelievable through all of this, despite the fact that they too, suffered a loss. Technically, they lost a child. An 'in-law' but they always treated him as family so, a child. And my kids, all of them (my boys and Ed's sons) I've tried to do my best to remember that I'm not the only one who lost him and have tried to hold it together to avoid putting MY stuff on them too. I wasn't "counting on" the VA support, but it sure would have helped in the "okay" department. And it was helping to get me through this time of searching for work. Sitting out there as a potential bail out if the job search went on too much longer. Now that "carrot" isn't even dangling and my confidence has taken a big blow.
 
I'm okay, or will be. Just allowing myself a bit of time for a little pity party, then it's back to working on being "okay" like I promised my Edmond I would." If I keep telling myself that, maybe I'll start believing it again. . . It could happen, right?

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